In my previous two posts that I wrote on the topic of toxic relationships I started off writing it in a chronological order on a series of events that that will eventually lead me up to where I am today and how I came to to the conclusion that our childhood experiences with our parents (particularly our Mother) can influence who we choose and how we respond to our chosen mate. In order to bring you up to speed to where I am going to start off it might be best to first read my previous post “The Game Begins Before You Even Know You are a Player in the Game” Because it will make more sense to get an idea of where I am coming from.
My third long term relationship another 5 years of my life wasted. Mr Chaos #3. I never married him. I would have though if he would have asked me in the beginning of our relationship, but because I had two failed relationships he said he wanted to see if we could make it 7 years first, and then if we made it 7 years he would marry me. This felt like a rejection in itself. And always kept me feeling like I had to perform perfectly and please him. Keep him happy and prove myself to him!
I struggled with emotional outbursts on a weekly basis. Everything he did was annoying to me. He was 5 years younger than me and he had never lived alone, he moved straight out of his parents house and in with me. I was of the Christian faith and in my mind I felt I was suppose to be married legally or else I was sinning and would fall out of God’s Grace. But he did not have the same Christian values as me. And he did not respect my values on the issue. (Looking back, I am very happy that we never married. It would have been a bigger disaster). We broke up a couple of times and he would weasel himself back in my life and back in my house.
I caught him secretly making plans with other women, some nights he would not come at all, I would be worried and call the hospital, call the police, I would go driving around town to all the places that were still open at 4:30 in the morning, like coffee shops such Denny’s, and I would never find him. One morning he came home about 7:00 and when he pulled in the garage I stood at the door and totally ticked off. I said, “Where the hell have you been?” He responded to me by saying, “It is none of your damn business!” Well a war broke out, because he was living in my house and I was paying the bills – because he was such a child he could not hold a job. I tried to kick him out, he would not leave. I tried calling the cops, that didn’t work, we lived in a small town and he knew all the cops because he was once a probation officer in that town. So they would not allow me to kick him out.
However, I did get him to sleep on the couch. Which is where he slept for about a year. This man would psychoanalyze me. I mean every time I said “I feel …” he would respond by saying, “No, you really mean that you feel ….” I would respond “NO! I know how I feel and I just told you, why don’t you just listen to what I am saying instead of trying to make me and you both believe something I did not say?” This would go on and on, I got so tired of it that I literally felt as though he was going to make me crazy. He would tell me daily that I was crazy. But yet he would not leave, and he would twist everything I said on a daily basis. He had a degree in psychology and he seemed to enjoy using that over me.
Eventually over time he convinced me that I was bipolar. So I went to see a professional to find out what I could do. After a diagnosis of no bipolar and a diagnosis of suffering from abandonment issues (due to my mother abandoning me when I was 4 years old) I shared this information with Mr Chaos #3 – to which he said, “Well they should heavily medicate you for that.” I was so over him! I just wanted him out of my house. I could not move on, I could not date,, my kids were learning really bad family values, the whole thing was a mess.
So after he had been on the couch for a year and we were having a platonic relationship, I finally decided to be bold and go on a date, and leave him home to watch the kids. He was fine with that. In fact he seemed more excited about my date than I was. Which disturbed me. Well after about 3 weeks of seeing this other man, (who, by the way, ended up being Mr. Chaos #4). I finally got Mr Chaos #3 off the couch and he moved out!
Looking back, I remember that was wanting to enjoy my time with my kids and not have a man around. I didn’t need one at the time I was making good money and was able to pay my bills, but I did need to have a social life and some companionship with someone who was not arguing with everything that came out of my mouth.
Now I know I am not going in to details of the relationships, but I am telling enough for you to see how I continually attracted the wrong guy. What is wrong with me? Why have done this over and over? Well, the answer is I have Stockholm Syndrome. And maybe you do too. I am also an Empath. Maybe you are too.
I have come to believe from both personal experience and self education that we all are the same inside. And if we had loving parents and semi-functioning home environment growing up, then we attract people who are similar. People who also had loving parents, and were raised in a semi-functioning home. But if we were one of the more unfortunate children born to this world who had parents who were selfish, mean, hateful, dishonest, or alcoholics, or abusive in any form, then when we grow up, we attract people who are likely to be very much like what we grew up with. Especially, and I hate to say this, when it is the mother who harmed us when were young. Yes dad’s do damage as well, but from a biological perspective, the mother can do more longer lasting damage to her children.
In my case, my mother had come from an abusive home and she was always running away, That is all she knew. It wasn’t that she didn’t feel love, it was that she ran from love, because everyone who ever told her they loved her were the ones who hurt her the most. Subsequently, her running away from her children was a disastrous thing to do. My brother lost his life due to drugs and alcoholism. And I am always finding myself in one unhealthy, toxic relationship after another.
If this is something you can relate to, I would like you to watch this video, I learned a lot from it. Click on this link…. When you can’t let go...