I am going to post a copy and paste from another blog and I will put my remarks and comments IN CAPITAL LETTERS IN PURPLE so you can differentiate between their writing and mine.
From “The Minds Journal Editorial
“22 Stages of Relationship Between An Empath and A Narcissist”
- The empath gets attracted to a narcissist. Their relationship starts. Empath loves deeply and unconditionally. They feel emotionally fulfilled even though the narcissist plays no role to develop a stronger bond. The empath feels satisfied and thinks their love is reciprocated just by being around the narcissist. THIS IS PROBABLY THE SCARIEST PART OF FALLING FOR THE NARCISSIST, IN YOUR MIND, YOU HONESTLY BELIEVE YOU ARE ENTERING INTO A REAL LOVE RELATIONSHIP. MY EX NARC PLAYED HIS CARDS VERY WELL IN THE BEGINNING.
- The empath gets the false notion that they have finally met the kind of love that people don’t find even once. Narcissist affirms this by creating an illusion that leads the empath to believe that what they have is special. The empath feels a deep bond that is almost impossible to break free. FOR ME, I ACTUALLY CAN REMEMBER GOING THROUGH A STAGE WHERE I FELT ADDICTED TO HIM, HIS HORMONES HIS ATTENTION. BUT THE ATTENTION DIDN’T LAST VERY LONG AND THEN HE WOULD JUST THROW ME CRUMBS – THE CRUMBS STARTED ABOUT 2 MONTHS INTO OUR RELATIONSHIP. ALL THE LOVE BOMBING STOPPED. I THOUGHT I DID SOMETHING WRONG TO UPSET HIM, I FOUND MYSELF TRYING HARDER AND HARDER TO PLEASE HIM OR CAPTURE HIS ATTENTION. EVEN TO THE POINT OF ALLOWING HIM TO CROSS MY PERSONAL BOUNDARIES. SUCH AS HIM EXPLOITING ME ON FACEBOOK.
- Sometimes it appears that the narcissist wants this relationship as much as the empath. Actually, what they want is someone who invests their time, energy and love and is in their complete control. THIS IS TRUE, BUT I WAS NOT AWARE OF THIS BEFORE IT WAS TOO LATE.
- As the time will pass, the narcissist will make the empath feel weak, unconfident, and bereft of the abilities to do even the simple things. The narcissist will never launch an open attack, but use statements like “don’t want to hurt you but…” to point out some shortcoming. They will try to take over anything which symbolizes control such as handling bills or making decisions about purchases. The empathy will be looked down upon for their interests and many such things that form their identity. Gradually, the empath starts to believe that they are less capable and they “need” someone like the person in their life. They get the notion no one would want them. MY RECENT EX NARC AND I ACTUALLY HAD 16 BREAK UPS IN LESS THAN 5 YEARS. BECAUSE OF ME TRYING TO KEEP MY IDENTITY, AND HE WOULD MAKE ME FEEL THAT WHO I WAS, WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. THAT THE THINGS IN LIFE THAT I CHERISHED AND CONSIDERED IMPORTANT – SUCH AS MY SPIRITUAL VALUES, WERE WRONG AND THAT I NEEDED TO ACCEPT THAT I WAS WRONG AND HE WOULD NOT MEET ME HALF WAY. I TOLD HIM I WOULD MEET HIM HALF WAY (LESSENING MY VALUES FOR HIM) AND THEN HE EXPECTED ME TO SACRIFICE ALL OF MY VALUES TO PLEASE HIM.
- For an empath, this relationship will be everything as they are the ones who are in love. Out of love, they would always want to soothe and cheer the narcissist, talk to them, help them and do whatever it makes them feel good. The narcissists project themselves as the victim of their past, their relationships, and the circumstances. The empaths are givers; they try to make up for all the unfortunate things that have ever happened to the narcissist. FROM THE VERY BEGINNING HE PORTRAYED HIMSELF AS THE VICTIM OF A NARCISSIST, HE WROTE A BOOK AND SELF PUBLISHED IT. CLAIMING THAT HE DID EVERYTHING FOR HER AND SHE JUST TOOK ADVANTAGE OF HIM AND USED HIM. HE MADE ME BELIEVE THAT HE HAD PTSD AND THAT IS WHY HE WOULD LASH OUT AT ME FOR NO REASON. I KEPT TRYING TO FIX HIM, TO HELP HIM, TO LOVE HIM… I GAVE ALL OF MYSELF AND EVERYTHING I HAD. EMOTIONALLY, PHYSICALLY, FINANCIALLY AND IT WAS NEVER ENOUGH.
- The empath has a good and a clear heart and cannot imagine the deep and unresolved wounds of the narcissist are not the same as their own. Healing those wounds is different from their own. THIS IS WHAT I AM REALIZING NOW THAT I HAVE WENT NO CONTACT.
- The relationship is all about the narcissist. The empath realizes this slowly, and a time comes when they feel afraid to talk or fight for their needs and desires. In their attempt to please they don’t want to voice their true needs. They would rather be likable than give any reason to be disliked. But, secretly they are not too happy. I BOUGHT A CAR FOR HIM, A NEW iPHONE, PAID HIS BILLS, AND INVESTED IN HIS BUSINESS, THAT HE COULD NOT GET OFF THE GROUND WITHOUT SOME HELP. HIS FAMILY WOULD NOT HELP HIM, SO WHEN I GOT MY SETTLEMENT FROM MY CAR ACCIDENT (THAT HE WOULD NOT HELP ME GET THOUGH THE HEALING PROCESS OR TAKE ME TO THE DOCTORS FOR THE ENTIRE YEAR I WAS SEEING DOCTORS) BUT HE WAS THERE FOR ME WHEN THE LAWYER WROTE THE SETTLEMENT CHECK AND HE STAYED WITH ME UNTIL THE MONEY WAS GONE. ABOUT 85% OF MY SETTLEMENT WENT TO HIM, HIS DAUGHTER AND HIS BUSINESS.
- The more devotion, love, care, affection, and effort the empath puts into the relationship, the narcissist feels completely in control over the relationship. The empath literally dances to the tune of the narcissist. As long as the empath continues to appease the narcissist, it’s impossible to detect any problem in the relationship. The problem occurs when the empath finally reaches the breaking point. MY FINAL BREAKING POINT CAME WHEN HE HAD USED ME AND SPENT ALL MY MONEY BUT WOULD NEVER OFFER TO HELP MY BILLS, EVEN WHEN HE STAYED WITH ME FOR WEEKS OR MONTHS AT A TIME, HE WOULD NOT OFFER TO PAY ONE DIME TO THE HOUSEHOLD BILLS. AND THEN I WAS FINALLY EVICTED FROM MY APARTMENT AND HE HAD 3 THOUSAND DOLLARS IN HIS ACCOUNT AND I HAD 11.00 IN MY ACCOUNT AND HE RENTED A STORAGE ROOM (IN HIS NAME) THAT WAS NOT BIG ENOUGH FOR ALL MY FURNITURE (A 5 X 10 STORAGE UNIT) HE PACKED UP ONLY WHAT HE THOUGHT I SHOULD HAVE AND THEN LEFT ME HOMELESS AND HE WENT TO HIS DADS AND WENT GOLFING FOR TWO WEEKS THEN WENT TO CALIFORNIA AND SPENT A WEEK AT THE BEACH WITH HIS DAUGHTER. HERE I WAS SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR AT A FRIENDS HOUSE AND HE COULD CARE LESS. HE TOLD ME TO KEEP TAKING TELEPHONE CALLS TO GET CONTRACTS FOR HIS BUSINESS AND SAID HE WOULD GIVE ME MOST OF THE MONEY SO I COULD GET AN APARTMENT. SO I BROUGHT IN 4 ACCOUNTS (ABOUT $8,100.00 IN A TWO WEEK TIME FRAME) AND THEN HE DROVE BACK TO HAVE SEX WITH ME AND TAKE THE MONEY AND TOLD ME I COULD USE THE MONEY FROM THE NEXT ACCOUNTS I BROUGHT IN. THAT WAS THE FINAL STRAW. WHEN I ENDED IT WITH HIM, HE WENT ON A RAMPAGE ON FACEBOOK AND MADE UP ALL SORTS OF LIES, TOLD ALL OF HIS FRIENDS THAT I EMBEZZLED THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS AND SAID I RAN OFF WITH ANOTHER MAN. MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY TRIED TO POST COMMENTS TO CALL HIM OUT BUT HE DELETED THEIR COMMENTS AND THEN BLOCKED THEM.
- Finally, the empath raises a voice because they can no longer keep up with the suppressing ways of the narcissist. Day after day their emotional needs remain unfulfilled. This happens because from the beginning of the relationship they have believed their partner’s emotional needs are all that matters. When they finally understand their well-being also matters, and speak out, they seem selfish. The narcissist does not like it. I AM SO TIRED AND DRAINED – AT THIS POINT RIGHT NOW, IT FEELS LIKE I WILL NEVER REGAIN MYSELF. WHEN WE WERE STILL TOGETHER IF I EVER TRIED TO TALK TO HIM TO DISCUSS WHAT I NEEDED IN THE RELATIONSHIP HE WOULD “STONEWALL” ME. WHEN I SAY THAT, I MEAN HE WOULD NOT COMMUNICATE AT ALL. HE WOULD LAY DOWN ON THE COUCH, FOLD HIS HANDS OVER HIS CHEST AND BLOCK OUT EVERY WORD I SAID. IT WAS SO FRUSTRATING AND I COULD NOT GET HIM TO REACT TO ME EVEN AT AN EMOTIONAL LEVEL, SOMETIMES I WOULD CRY, BUT HE WOULD NOT ACKNOWLEDGE THAT I WAS PLEADING WITH HIM.
- The narcissist is an attention seeker. They get satisfaction when people fuss around them. Their needs can never be met, they can never be satisfied. They may move to other partners, open a new business, travel around the world, get involved in new creative pursuits, and so on and so forth, but they will never be happy. The empath isn’t aware of this fact. I TOOK HIM ON A TWO WEEK VACATION HALF WAY AROUND THE COUNTRY. THE MAN NEVER OPENED HIS WALLET ONCE (ACCEPT TO BUY HIMSELF A BOOK). ALL THE GAS, ALL THE MEALS, ALL THE HOTEL ROOMS AND ALL THE ENTERTAINMENT WAS PAID FOR BY ME. THAT WAS ONE YEAR AGO THIS MONTH AND I NEVER HAVE GOTTEN ONE THANK YOU. HE SIMPLY “EXPECTED IT” HE FEELS HE IS ENTITLED.
- When the empath finally bursts out something like “My feelings also matter,” the narcissist is quick to call the empath “crazy”. They call them over-dramatic and their concerns unfounded. This kind of dismissive behavior is the tactics used by them to gain control over the empath’s mind. THIS IS SOMETHING THAT STARTED TO HAPPEN ABOUT 3 MONTHS INTO OUR RELATIONSHIP. HE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT THE NEEDS OF OTHERS. HE WILL NOT OFFER TO HELP ANYONE – UNLESS IT WILL BE A GAIN FOR HIM IN SOME WAY.
- The empath gets confused. Why they have meted out such behavior, is beyond their understanding. They start blaming themselves and wonder if they are at all worthy of being loved by anyone at all. I DID THIS OVER AND OVER AND I PROBABLY WOULD STILL BE DOING IT, IF IT WASN’T FOR ALL THE HELP AND SUPPORT FROM GROUPS AND BLOGS THAT ARE HELPING ME TO SEE THE SICKNESS IN THE NARCISSIST.
- At this point, the empath is not able to understand that they are just being manipulated. Their partner has bent everything around them to create a twisted view of the circumstances. There can be anything around them to let them know the truth that they are the one who is “right” and it’s their partner who is tremendously “wrong” and wicked. BINGO! WHEN HE TELLS EVERYONE ABOUT ME, HE NEVER ONCE WILL MENTION ALL I HAVE DONE FOR HIM. INSTEAD HE INSULTS ME, BELITTLES ME AND LIES ABOUT ME. ALL THE WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY FEEDING OFF OF THOSE WHO BELIEVE HIM, AND THEY ONLY BELIEVE HIM BECAUSE THEY DON’T REALLY KNOW HIM. THAT IS WHY HE NEEDS EMPATHS ON FACEBOOK PAGE. WHICH IS EASY FOR HIM, BECAUSE HE HAS FOLLOWERS FROM HIS BOOKS HE WROTE CLAIMING TO BE THE CHRONIC VICTIM OF NARCISSISTIC ABUSE IT IS MADDENING TO SAY THE LEAST, BUT THERE IS NOTHING ANYONE CAN DO TO STOP HIM FROM IT. HOWEVE,R I DO GET PLEASURE OUT OF IT WHEN I SEE THAT SOMEONE WAS INSIGHTFUL ENOUGH TO SEE THROUGH HIS FAKE PERSONA.
- The empath will try to communicate with the narcissist in all truthfulness. The narcissist will, however, justify their behavior and pass the blame. YES, YES – AND YES. HE DID THAT CONTINUALLY. AND AFTER YEARS OF TOLERATING IT, I AM VERY PLEASED TO SAY, I WILL NEVER ALLOW ANYONE TO EVER DO THAT TO ME AGAIN.
- It is normal to feel lost, confused and hurt. But despite all the heart-break, the empath will need to be calm and do some self-evaluation to figure out how they became so defenseless. This is how they will start transforming. I HAVE BEGUN MY HEALING PROCESS, AND THIS TIME I INTEND TO COMPLETE IT. THE HARDEST PART IS FORGIVING MYSELF FOR BEING SO NAIVE.
- The empath will know that they are by nature healers. They have the inner strength to help others in the right ways, sometimes as a duty and sometimes when life brings them to such situations. IT WAS THIS VERY THING THAT MADE BELIEVE I COULD HEAL THE POOR SOUL – ONLY TO HAVE BEEN DECEIVED, THERE IS NO HEALING FOR HIM. HE DOES NOT WANT TO BE HEALED, HE DOESN’T THINK THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH HIM. BUT THERE IS ONLY FOR ME.
- The empath has to realize the bitter truth that not everyone deserves their love, care, and affection. Not everyone who seems distressed and unhappy is revealing their true self. There are some people who have sinister motives and have a very different outlook towards relationships and people than they do. Not everyone they fall in love with can be trusted so quickly. THIS IS A PAINFUL TRUTH THAT IS A LARGE PILL TO SWALLOW.
- In this situation, the empath must realize that they too are in a very bad situation something of which the narcissist in their life always spoke of. But, in their case, it would be different. They would make positive efforts and heal themselves. The narcissist will not. HE WOULD TELL ME HE WAS HEALED FROM THE SO CALLED ABUSE FROM HIS TWO EXES, BUT YET HE DIDN’T DO ANYTHING BEDSIDES BASH THEM AND LIE ABOUT THEM IN HIS BOOKS. I CAUGHT HIM STILL STALKING BOTH OF HIS EXES 4 YEARS AFTER WE WERE TOGETHER. WHEN I ASKED HIM WHY HE WAS STILL STAKING THEM, HE SAID HE WAS HOPING TO SEE THAT THEY DIED.
- For empath this will be a painful awakening. They will learn from the experience to move ahead. THIS IS VERY HOPEFUL. AND YES I BELIEVE THAT THIS LAST EXPERIENCE WITH MY EX NARC, WILL HAVE MADE ME A STRONGER AND MORE AWARE PERSON. I WILL NEVER GIVE ALL OF MYSELF AGAIN TO ANYONE WHO DOES NOT DESERVE MY LOVE AND GIVING NATURE. AND IT HURTS ME TO EVEN SAY THIS. BECAUSE I NEVER THOUGHT THAT BEING LOVING AND GIVING COULD EVER BE A BAD THING.
- The narcissist will continue as if nothing happened and they are completely innocent. They won’t remember for a moment that someone loved them so deeply and intensely. They won’t remember the powerful bond they once had with someone and just move on to find it somewhere else. A time will come when they will know they can neither connect with themselves nor with other people. THIS JUST BROKE MY HEART TO READ THIS. IT MEANS I WASTED ALMOST 5 YEARS – TO SOMEONE THAT WAS NOT REAL. AND THAT JUST KILLS ME.
- The narcissist will move on. In time they will find another victim.OH HOW I WANT TO WARN THEM! HOW I WOULD GIVE MY LEFT ARM TO PREVENT ANOTHER POOR SOUL TO ENDURE THE PAIN OF THIS FRAUDULENT INDIVIDUAL WHO IS A PATHETIC EXCUSE OF A MAN, BUT NONETHELESS, I PRAY FOR HIM, AND HOPES HE CAN ACHIEVE SOME LEVEL OF HAPPINESS IN HIS LIFE, MORE THAN ANYTHING, I PRAY HE WOULD SEEK HELP AND ACKNOWLEDGE HIS ILLNESS. BUT I FEAR THAT MAY NEVER HAPPEN BECAUSE I NEVER EVER ONCE SAW HIM TRY TO BE BETTER, OR TRY TO HEAL FROM A SO CALLED NARCISSISTIC INJURY. AND FURTHERMORE HE BASHES ALL THE PEOPLE ON NARCISSIST SUPPORT GROUPS, AND CALLS THEM WEAK AND BITTER. THAT IS A TELLTALE SIGN THAT THERE IS NO HOPE FOR CHANGE.
- The empath will be stronger, wiser and be more cautious about who they time, affection and love. YES. I SURE WILL!
I came across that above blog post on a Narcissist Support Group and I related to it so perfectly. I felt there must be a tremendous amount of other people out there who can also relate to it. It was actually quite a release of frustration to see that I am not in this alone. Doing what I just did here, was therapeutic, and although this may come across as an odd way to post a blog, I felt the example of doing this might help someone else to do the same thing.
I am still always going to be an Empath, you cannot change a leopards spots, but I will be awake to the real predators out there.
To anyone going through the vicious cycle of being in a relationship with a narcissist or a sociopath, or who are trying to get out of a relationship with as few injuries as possible, I found this other link to a YouTube video that may be very helpful. It helped me. When to Bury Hope
God Bless you…
I will be back in a few days to pick up where I left off on my writing about my journey to understanding that our parents created us to be empaths that will magnet to toxic relationships.